Wednesday, 11 May 2011

@Phil: New Treatment V1

Hello Phil,
So this is my first Treatment. I've been trying to make the story straightforward for a young audience and also including the medical parts without making them overcomplicated. The part I underlined is the one I think it is unnecessary for the story itself as I think it's something a young child's mind won't perceive as well. I am hoping to improve my Treatment and make it more detailed if possible. I a waiting for your Greenlight to start Storyboarding :)

Once upon a time, in a far off land lived a young Prince named Andrew who thought of himself as a very brave guy. But in reality he was too scared of any kind of monster to walk through the Dark Woods of Diseases and reach to the opposite kingdom where the beautiful Princess lived.
The Dark Woods of Diseases was a place full of hidden Monsters, but they were not any kind of monsters. Those monsters were not attacking you instantly but were making you feel sick and weak. They could shoot evil viruses and pass on bacteria, organisms that caused tummy aches, raised temperature made you feel dizzy.
But Andrew could not fight them by himself; he needed great help to walk safely through the Woods so he asked for the help of the Great Sorcerer.
The Great Sorcerer was looking dark and ugly, his face was wrinkly and he was wearing a spiky outfit. Despite his evil look, the great Sorcerer was willing to assist Andrew with the help of a magic potion hidden in a vaccine. Andrew refused to have the vaccine as the needle looked nasty and could cause pain. But the Sorcerer wanted to explain how the vaccine worked and how it would help him defeat the enemies:
“The vaccine contains a small part of the monsters which once inserted into your body it will produce antibodies- the great helpers of your body’s defence. The antibodies will remember the enemy and will attack them quicker the next time it enters your body. If the enemy does attack you again, the already produced antibodies will work like keys and attach to the enemy which works like a locker. When combined, your body recognises the enemy instantly and calls out the phagocytes which ingest the enemy and keep the your body safe. With this injection you will have no problem fighting the monsters as you will be protected from and invisible shield which will keep them away from you.” The Dark Sorcerer took out the injection from a cupboard full of bottles with all sorts of colourful magic potions and showed it to Andrew. His face went pale and his eyes were wide open. The Sorcerer asked him to close his eyes and relax. Andrew did as he said and after a while he opened them. “All done!” he cried. Andrew was surprised that he did not feel a thing. He thanked the Sorcerer and went off to the Woods. When he first entered the dark woods he could hear strange noises coming from the bushes and dark shadows appearing in the distance. Suddenly, the monsters attacked him, but none of them could come close to him as the invisible shield around him was holding them back. Andrew walked with confidence through the Woods and finally got to the castle where the princess was waiting for him.



  1. Hey Andriana,

    Can you email me a word document version to I want to make some direct suggestions etc. and it will be quicker this way!

  2. Okay, Andriana - my first thoughts are your treatment is too dense and too complicated. I've done a hatchet job (and changed the name from Andrew - boring!).

    "Once upon a time there was prince called Percival who dreamed of adventures in far away places but who was afraid of the monsters in the deep dark wood."

    (here, you show the exciting faraway place, and then the audience sees that the 'deep dark wood' is between him and it - you don't have to narrative all this info, you can show it.'

    "There were monsters with spines and monsters like blobs and they could make a person sick with one touch of their fingers."

    (here there is a great opportunity to have fun with showing lots of monsters based on actual bacteria/virus shapes; you could describe many more here and have fun with it)

    "A passing wizard said ‘Don't despair. I can keep you safe from the monsters in the deep dark wood. You just need some of this inside you."

    (We see the wizard produce a potion from out of his sleeve - whatever)

    "What’s in it? asked Percival suspiciously".

    ‘Essence of monster’ the wizard replied. ‘And I have to use this to give it you.’

    (Wizard produces enormous syringe!)

    ‘No way,’ said Percival. ‘You want to put monsters in me with a needle?’

    ‘Let me explain,’ said the Wizard...

    Just keep it simple - and don't put all the description into the narration - you can show it instead. Also, I don't think you need a princess etc. as, for a young audience of boys, 'girls' might not be of much interest to them imaginatively.

    Have another go at getting this into a clean, concise, lean treatment.